11 October 1999: Due to a heinous typo, an unwitting (drunken) USC student stumbled upon what can only be summed up by two words: hot Seth, I mean, hot sex. Charles Mitchell Frye III, the son of Charles Mitchell Frye II and the grandson of Charles Mitchell Frye part I (the best of the series in many critics’ opinions), attempted to check his Hotmail account to see if his Ebay bid for the ceramic Mick Jagger cookie jar bong had come through after returning from an FCA rave at the "House of God," but due to a combination of drugged senses and Coke spilled on the keyboard, he took a visit to Homail.

When reached for comments, Frye giggled like a little girl and developed reddened cheeks, then he stuck his nose in a corner.

Columbia PD has begun an in-depth inspection of Homail, but results are inconclusive as of yet as to whether policemen prefer their ass straight off the street or over the internet.

(Seen Above) Homail’s homepage. Homail’s only current competition is Yaho.

11 October 1999: The University of South Carolina’s esteemed psychological department reached a unanimous conclusion through intense experimentation: monkeys love butter!

Under controlled lab conditions, monkeys always chose sticks of butter over the alternate choice (balls of aluminum foil). Then, over the course of eight days and immense hunger pangs, the monkeys would slowly eat the butter, paper wrapper and all! Silly monkeys!

"Gosh darn monkeys! We always thought they liked bananas, but it turns out that they just thought the bananas were butter because they’re both yellow," commented Dr. Stiver, head of the psychology department.

"I have a yellow watch," he later added.

(Seen Below) Dr. Funk, a "funk music" group who claim to be "smoove as butta."

The Darla Moore School of Business, also at the University of South Carolina, has taken a great interest in the economic impact of these finds.

"With this information, it is very obvious to us that butter has been marketed to a depressingly uninterested crowd. We plan on offering marketing counseling to various butter industries during which we will suggest that they gear themselves in a more monkey-oriented direction," offered Bob Selingwell, an Introductory Economics TA, "If our advice is taken, Land-O-Lakes will soon be known as ‘munkeebuddercheepgood’."

When interviewed, the monkeys from said experiment just made gnarled faces at the word "butter" and attempted to write something on the wall with their daily stick. Since the walls are a creamy white color, it was totally illegible. It is assumed to have read something like "Monkey want more butter."

(Seen Below) A sock monkey reenactment of the infamous "monkey butter withdrawal."

Similar experiments are to be conducted with margarine, but scientists are having difficulty deciding on whether to set the alternate choice as screws or bolts.

13 October 1999: All is quiet now on the small, quaint USC campus, but that may only indicate that the eye of the storm is nigh. The storm in question is the one brought about by the tragic missing of a class by a one Mr. Christopher P. Kettrey.

On the morning of October 13^th, Mr. Kettrey awoke to the sound of his alarm, but he did not stay that way for very long. It is speculated that he either switched off or ingested the source of the noise. Whatever the case, Mr. Kettrey did not make it to his 12:30 PM University 101 class. Apparently, he assumed (incorrectly) that role would not be taken. Instead, role was taken four times: once at the beginning of class, again immediately after that (just to make sure), in the middle of class, and finally again at the end. Mr. Kettrey was counted present for only one of these attendance checks, but it was later discovered that this was merely a clerical error caused by a leaky Bic.

"He seemed like such a nice boy," said a person who saw him one time at the mail place, "He looked so pleasant carrying that unmarked brown package out of his box. Who’d a thunk he was a class skipper?"

USC PD plans to tar and feather Mr. Kettrey and then chase him out of town with a broom.

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